782 weeks and 4 days
"As I struggled to open my eyes, my lids so heavy as if they had weights attached to them, I reached my hand for the bottle of pills that had been my trusty companion these last few days. I did not want to be awake. I did not want to die because that would be too much work. I simply wanted to sleep the days away in a haze of beautiful benzodiazepine bliss. But alas, my “friends” were all gone. I had nowhere left to go, nowhere left to turn; the road was dark and dismal with no end in sight, no light ahead.” – Memories from 3.20.04
My journey began long before that day, but my path began to illuminate on that Saturday Spring Equinox, 3.20.04. I'm not saying there hasn't been darkness still, because there has been. Or the light has always been off in the distance, it hasn't. What has continued to grow is a deepened appreciation for those shadows and the gifts they can bring. It’s no coincidence that my life changing day happened on the Equinox, a time when the light and dark are in equal balanced parts signifying longer days of light ahead. Synchronicity at its finest.
It has been a long and winding road with many bumps and obstacles along the way. I have learned how to take different paths, follow the signs, and to know when to move out of the way. This past year has been no exception. Hell, the past few weeks have been insane for me in terms of insights, intuitions, and the magnetic pull towards growth. I started my new business last October. Recently, some more things are surfacing and becoming more clear. To be a part of it all, check it out HERE.
In the recovery community, it’s commonly said before an anniversary of your “clean date” things can get a bit chaotic. I attribute this to my belief that our energetic and cellular memories manifest somatic symptoms. It’s as if the energy surrounding me then has cycled back to visit. I can feel it everywhere in my body and extending outward. It’s a sort of electric, vibration of my soul body. I sink deep into contemplation and remembrance, followed by an intense and overwhelming wave of immense gratitude. I think back to the moments and times I can remember, there’s not a ton because it’s just so hazy.
The madness I endured and subjected myself to. The situations I put myself in, the people I surrounded myself with. The depravity which became my way of life and the loss of my moral compass. What I’m left with is this sense of awe. There is no logical reason why I didn’t end up harming or killing someone in my blackout driving, why I didn’t end up in jail, and why I’m still alive. It’s truly mindboggling. When I sit with those realizations, the answer is always the same.
“You were meant for something more. You have something to share. Your wounds and how they’ve healed are meant to be told.”
I’ve pushed that voice away for so many years.
Questioning it at every turn.
My life wasn’t all that bad.
I wasn’t a “bad” enough addict.
No one will want to listen to me.
I guess it’s time for me to let go of those self-limiting responses. To stand in my truth and authenticity. To do this for me and no one else. The alignment of the Spring Equinox Full Super Moon, something that only happens once every 84 years and this magical transformative day is pretty fucking amazing to me.
If you’re reading this and have been part of my journey, I am truly thankful for your support, your guidance, and your love, especially when I couldn’t love myself.
If you’re reading this and can relate to anything of it, know that there is hope. You don’t ever have to be alone or afraid. Reach out to me or someone you trust. Don’t give up. My life is more incredible than I could ever imagined.
Yes, this once junkie who lied, manipulated, and stole from anyone to get what I wanted. My life is epic. Yours can be too.
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